Couples Counseling Worcester MA; Fighting for Connection: How Vulnerability Can Heal Relationship Conflicts
Couples Counseling Worcester MA
Why do we fight in relationships? We fight to be heard. We fight to be seen. We fight to be understood and to feel valued. We fight because we want to feel validated by our partner. We fight because we want to change our partner’s mind. We fight to win. We fight to protect our vulnerabilities. We fight and argue to connect and feel close, although it rarely turns out that way in the end.
It is our ego revving up and exerting its dominance, needing to be right. The ego wants to protect itself when it feels threatened. Our ego does not like to feel out of control or vulnerable, nor does it want our identity or self-worth to feel threatened. So, if we are not mindful and aware, our ego tends to strike back.
We all want to be seen, heard, understood, valued, and feel connected. What if there was another way to get what we want or need from our partner? If we peel back what is behind the fighting and arguing, we will find some kind of vulnerability. It looks different for each person. Maybe it is loneliness in the relationship, not feeling good enough, sadness, feeling undervalued, or being misunderstood by your partner. These vulnerabilities usually have been with us for a long time, often since childhood. And during and since childhood, we have become very good at protecting those places of vulnerability. However, fighting and arguing keep us further apart and increase the distance between us.
What if instead of showing or acting out our ego’s dominance, we showed more of our vulnerabilities?Vulnerability has the potential to bring us together, to truly understand one another, and to be understood. It is a way to open the door to emotional and physical intimacy. The only way to do this is by having an emotionally and physically safe relationship.
One way to begin building an emotionally and physically safe relationship is to practice ways to calm yourself down during times of heightened emotions, so those emotions don’t spill out onto your partner in harmful ways that increase distance.
When an argument is beginning to brew, here is one thing we can begin to do:
Slow down: We need to slow ourselves down so we can begin to think more clearly, make more thoughtful decisions, and not let emotions take over. One way to do this is by “grounding.” This means stopping what you are doing in the moment for a couple of minutes and just noticing how your body is feeling. Use all your senses to connect with the present moment. What can you hear, see, feel, smell, and taste? Notice any thoughts in your mind and allow them to be there. Notice any emotions or sensations in your body that may be present. Then, focus on your breath. Notice if you are holding your breath or breathing fast, slow, deep, or shallow. Begin to take slow, deep breaths. Notice what this feels like. This is a way to calm and slow down so you can decide how you want to act instead of being reactive.
When you are calm, ask yourself these questions:
What do I want to get out of this conversation or interaction?
How do I want to show up in this conversation? (Do I want to show up as my best self, as a good listener, as an empathetic partner, or as someone who wants to be right, forceful, or talking at my partner?)
After calming down, you can decide how you want to show up with your partner, allowing you to be less reactive, communicate more clearly and effectively, and be a thoughtful listener. Listen to understand, rather than to argue or be right. Listening is truly an act of love.
After an argument or when thinking about past arguments, here is one thing you can begin to try:
Start by practicing using the “grounding skill” outlined above. Once you are calm, start to notice what thoughts and feelings are underneath your anger, frustration, yelling, arguing, avoidance, or placating/acquiescing.
What are you wanting your partner to really understand or know? Take some quiet time to journal, draw, paint, go for a run—whatever it takes to tap into your thoughts, feelings, and needs that can’t be heard when arguing occurs.
Once you are aware of this, you now have the ability to lead not with anger or frustration, but from a place of vulnerability.
Meghan C. Foucher, LICSW specializes in anxiety and couples counseling Worcester MA. Helping couples and individuals shift out of stress, anxiety, and conflict while improving communication and regaining connection.
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